Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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