Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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