On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
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