and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
