imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
