On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
