it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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