weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
