dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
