Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
