my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
the liver wants what the liver wants
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
