sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
