First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
