Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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