Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
