5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
