i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
