cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I forgot how hot balto sounded
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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