Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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