this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
