You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
