you guys were way drunker than both of me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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