the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize