I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think my fart just growled at me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
