If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I need water and some morals
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
