Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
