"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
