just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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