You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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