You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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