I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
