Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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