New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Randomize
