All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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