i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
