Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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