do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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