Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
