i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
