the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
