My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
