apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
