he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
