I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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