I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
