If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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