i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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