I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
