I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
