There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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