My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
