that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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