oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize