Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
