I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
