I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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